Colour my heart green
by brzq
Summary: It's been three months. Three months since the last time she saw her, three months since the last time her heart beat for a reason. And in those three months, only one thing occupied her mind: green. Clexa Modern AU.
1. The stolen coffee

It's been three months.

Three months since the last time she saw her, three months since the last time her heart beat for a reason. And in those three months, only one thing occupied her mind: green. It didn't matter how hard she tried to forget her, how much energy she focused on ignoring her feelings, because, late at night and when her only companion in the silence were the stars that they used to love contemplating, there was only one thing in her mind: green.

Green, like the forest where they met, different shades of the same colour growing around them painting Nature's gift to humanity as the purest, most beautiful thing she'd ever had the pleasure to surround herself with. Green, like the grass in her backyard, where they had spent so much time simply talking and shyly staring at each other out of the corner of their eyes while they pretended to sunbath. Green, like the motorcycle that she so stubbornly rode everywhere, because it made her look 'as badass as she was inside', which everyone who had ever talked to her, _really_ talked to her, could easily identify as a lie. Green, like her favourite colour, that she'd so many times used in her paints, day after day trying to find the perfect shade and never managing to create it.

Green, like her eyes.

At first it was easier. Rage clouded her mind, making it hard to think about anything else but how much she hated her. Or at least, how much she thought she hated her.

'This isn't the way to go,' Raven tried to tell her once. 'I know it, you know I do, and I understand how you feel. But this isn't you.'

She didn't listen. It wasn't like she didn't want to, more like she couldn't do it. Everyone had warned her, told her to be careful, but she didn't listen, didn't want to and much less could. And now, here she was, with a broken heart that she wished she could rip from her insides and the simple desire to forget about her. But she couldn't, life doesn't work like that. Love doesn't work like that.

'You need to get out of your room, Clarke.' Her mother had been stern. She hadn't seen it coming, she hadn't known her own daughter was falling in love with the problematic, motorcycle owner, green-eyed girl that she's so many times frowned at. Who was she? Where had she come from? Who had given her the right to hurt her child like that?

If she hadn't listened to one of her best friends, why would she listen to her mother?

Octavia was much more direct. She had never went through what both of her best friends had now gone through, and the terror of seeing her caring, sassy blondie like that made her snap. 'You better get into the damn shower right now, because I can't get close to you without gagging, and stop behaving like an idiot. Afterwards, we're wrecking this room until we erase every single trace of her presence in here. Then, we're getting drunk, and it will be the last time you will cry for that bitch.' Eyes wide, she nodded. This wasn't her, she knew it, she didn't accept orders from no one and she never ever had smelled like that. Octavia was right, and so was Raven. This wasn't her. 'Raven's coming in ten, so you better hurry your ass into that shower before I have to hose you down!'

Clarke left the room with her head down, not a word escaping her lips. Octavia was scared. Clarke was like her big sister, the best friend that she'd always dreamt of having, and seeing her so broken… She believed it would hurt less if she were feeling the pain herself, because at least she would actually understand. When Raven arrived, they didn't even need to talk. A mere nod was enough for them to understand each other, and anyway no one wanted to spoil the silence. They knew that, as soon as the alcohol started running through their veins, Clarke would finally tell them what had happened. They were only guessing, after all.

Finally clean, wet hair over her left shoulder, Clarke appeared wearing a hoodie and shorts. In absolute silence, they looked for everything that reminded her of what she shouldn't be reminded of, and put it inside a box that Octavia would be talking home with her. Ever since Raven had started living in the Griffin household and Bellamy had moved away, Octavia had been alone in her apartment, which meant the box wouldn't be found anytime soon unless they asked her about it, and not even her friends, who spent most of their free time at her's, would accidentally walk on it.

Before they knew it, tequila started running through their veins, and it wasn't too late before Clarke started to spill the beans. Both Raven and Octavia listened in awe, hoping for some information that would let them help their friend. They also secretly hoped for something that would tell them how badly they needed to hurt the woman who had turned their friend into a whipping mess, but that was something Clarke couldn't know.

'She left me… She left me right when I was about to tell her that I was ready.' Clarke sobbed. She had always been more of the flirty type of drunk, but it turns out they had never seen sad Clarke drinking. 'She said it was for the best, that she was doing it for me, but she didn't listen when I asked her to stay…' Shaking her head, Clarke lay down on the floor and stared at her ceiling. 'Maybe it was all my fault, I shouldn't have mentioned that email that I received from that Nia woman… I don't even know who she is, but she totally seemed to know her. Maybe it was all my fault…' She murmured right before falling asleep.

It had already been three months, and Clarke couldn't forget about her. Her entire life had been put on standby, not even alcohol helping ease the pain. Not even all of her medical knowledge could make her feel any better.

Frowning, Raven looked at her friend, worried. 'Are we sure they only knew each other for two months?'

'Yes,' sighed Octavia. They had gone over and over again through this conversation. Yes, they had fallen in love way too quickly for anyone's liking. Yes, they barely knew anything about what had happened. And yes, they were intent on getting their friend back. 'Wait. Did she say _Nia_?'

Scrambling to her feet, Octavia took Raven's wrist and dragged her out of Clarke's bedroom. This could be something big, but the blonde still needed to rest and they shouldn't be bothering her.

'What are you doing?'

'Remember when I took a peek into her past and stuff?' Raven nodded, of course she remembered when Octavia used her cop privilege to investigate everyone who approached them. She also didn't approve, but there was no way of getting through to her. 'Yeah, well, there was a _Nia_ there. She and some random man were one of her foster parents, but she got moved to a new house after…'

Shocked, Raven looked at her friend. Foster parents? What was she talking about? Was she even allowed to know that? 'After what!?' She asked frustrated.

Octavia looked down. 'I'm not sure, I couldn't read it. I simply couldn't.'

And Raven understood. They hadn't been friends since always, but she knew her well enough. And she understood. She hugged her, leading her to the Griffin's couch and sitting down there with her. They were still a little buzzed and way too tired to get into bed, and anyway no one would mind if they slept there. Raven also lived there, after all.

Clarke somehow managed to get into bed, noticing her friends were missing but not really caring that much. They probably were on Raven's room, sleeping off the alcohol. She couldn't close again her eyes, because they only thing she saw was green and it hurt. Green, green, green everywhere. It was as if the insides of her eyelids were painted in green, and she could see nothing but that.

Exasperated, she took her draft book and a pencil. She flicked through the pages, easily finding a blank one. She had bought it only two weeks ago, on the way home from the hospital. However, it was already filled with faceless drawings of a brunette that she could never get out of her head. That was because she always let her hand lead the way, and when she actually took notice of what she was drawing it was too late. She wanted to forget her, though.

When she realised that, again, she had been drawing her, she threw everything across her bedroom and huffed down into her bed. She had never been in there, that's why she tried to think about it as a kind of sacred place, because she could look anywhere she wanted and no memories would flood her mind.

She closed her eyes, and resigned herself to get lost into the greenness that there awaited her. Green, green, green, and she couldn't bring herself back to reality.

 _She was running. She didn't know what she was running from, but she knew she had to run. She also knew where she was running to. Tall trees surrounded her, making beautiful shades on the muddy ground. Everything smelled fresh, pure, green. Everything would be perfect, if she didn't have to run. She run and run and run, wild wind caressing her long, blond hair. She run through the forest, until she took a peek and tried to see what it was that was making her feel so agitated. And right then she run into something. Something soft, that smelled a little like the forest and a lot like something else, something else that she desperately tried to remember but couldn't find a connexion to. She wanted to keep running, and she realised that it was a someone, not a something, that she had crashed into. The other person turned on their feet, not letting go of her and somehow managing to drag both of them into a small hideout behind the biggest tree she'd ever seen. And suddenly she felt safe. And she looked at the other person and only saw green. Green eyes and long, brown hair full of small braids. There was also black leather and daggers and a sword and some kind of really weird war paint, but the only thing she saw was green._

 _Green eyes, green trees. And her heart was painted in green, too. There was no way of denying it now._

 _She wanted to yell at her. She wanted to scream. She wanted to punch her, to hurt her, to tear her apart. But she didn't. Instead, she only whispered her name, carefully going to softly caress her cheek. Because after all, she knew this wasn't real, she knew this only was a dream, and she didn't need to hide in there. Because this wasn't real._

 _And she only saw green, green and more green, while she slowly closed her eyes and leaned forward. She desperately wanted to do it, she craved it, even though she'd only felt it once before. She leaned forward and leaned forward and…_

Startled, Clarke sat in her bed, all of a sudden feeling very awake. This had been going on for too long. And she sincerely couldn't understand, because it had only been two months of knowing her. She had a story of falling hard, but never _that_ fast. Not even with… him. But this was different. She couldn't even close her eyes without seeing her. She almost couldn't keep them open without also seeing her. And she was a doctor, she couldn't allow herself such a big distraction.

And damn it, they had only kissed once! This wasn't fair, she shouldn't be feeling like this!

The doorbell rang, and it distracted her from her thoughts. Frowning, she took her phone and made her way downstairs. It was almost 3 am, not an appropriate moment to appear at her front door. On her way, she found Raven and Octavia, sitting on the couch with a curious look but not making any attempt to move.

'Who is it?' Asked a sleepy Raven.

'How am I supposed to know?' Whisper-yelled Clarke. 'You could've answered the door, by the way!'

Shaking her head, she put her hand on the knob. She took a deep breath and opened it, trying not to think of the last time someone had knocked on her door that late at night. Surprisingly, on the other side she found a brunette staring at her. And green eyes.

'Lexa…'

When she took a second glance, instead of green she saw red. The brunette's shirt had once been white, but now was soaked in blood. Her hand was clutching at her stomach, trying to keep the bleeding at bay. Instantly turning into doctor mode, Clarke's face became serious and she took her arm, dragging her inside before closing the door. With Octavia's help, she forced her to lie down on the couch, while Raven run for her medical kit.

'I'm sorry, this needs stitches and we have nothing to ease the pain.'

The other woman nodded, and it made Clarke's heart jump. She concentrated and started cleaning the wound. It looked like a bullet hole, but thankfully it didn't go through any vital organs, and she was glad it was something she could fix with what she had right there at home.

 **5 MONTHS BEFORE.**

'Vanilla late!' Yelled the barista.

Speed walking, she went to take her coffee. She extended her hand, only to bump into someone else's hand. Frowning, she looked up, only to find intense, green eyes looking at her.

'I think you're trying to steal my coffee,' said the other woman. Her voice was smooth and alluring, and it almost made her forget how to breathe.

'Actually, I think it's the other way around.' Shaking her head, she firmly took the cup. 'Maybe we had the same order, but if I wait five more minutes I will be late and that cannot happen.'

Smiling the most charming smile, the green-eyed woman took her hand away from the cup. 'That I can't argue, no one cares if I'm late. Perks of being your own boss, I suppose.'

'Yeah, well, perks of saving lives, I get to keep this,' Clarke answered while lifting her coffee. She really needed to go, but she couldn't leave like that. She simply couldn't. But she had to. 'I do need to go, but…'

Quietly laughing, the other woman extended a card to her. 'Lexa, I'm Lexa, the girl who hopes you'll call to ask her out.'

Joining in her laugh, she took the card and started walking away. 'Clarke Griffin, the girl who may call to ask you out.'


	2. And just know that I feel the same

Morpheus wanted to take over her and Clarke had no strength left inside. It had been a draining evening. The fear she felt when she had seen the blood could not be compared to anything she had felt before, and it drove her crazy to know that, even after all of the effort she had put into convincing herself that she hated her, she still worried about her.

She had waited by her side, sitting on the floor while Octavia pulled Raven to her room, leaving them alone. She didn't know what she was looking for, probably an explanation, but she got none as Lexa fell asleep as soon as she had stitched her up. It wasn't her fault, she had to be in a lot of pain, but Clarke still couldn't forget that she was angry at her.

At some point in the night, her mother had arrived home. 'Clarke?'

The blonde looked back at Abby. She seemed alarmed, and it took her a few moments to remember the blood. And the brunette resting on the couch. And that she had been sleeping on the floor. Sighing, she got up and walked towards the kitchen, knowing her mother would follow.

'Clarke… What happened in there?' Asked Abby as soon as they were alone. She had been worried about her daughter, seeing how she was throwing herself into her work in order to avoid talking about her personal problems. Problems that she was sure had to do with the girl now resting on her couch. Lexa.

'It's okay, mom, Lexa appeared on the door and she had been shot but I took care of it and…'

'What!?' Alarmed, Abby raised her voice. 'She was shot?'

Clarke sighed. She had seen this coming. 'Yeah, it was a clean shot, though, so don't worry. She'll probably have a mean scar, I had to stitch her up with our medical kit, so…'

The older woman's eyes widened in shock. 'Okay, let's get something clear here.' She started walking around the kitchen, nervous. On one hand, she understood her daughter. On the other, she was way too worried about this Lexa woman bringing all of this mess into her family. 'You were drinking, I can smell it in your breath.' Clarke nodded. 'Then you took care of Lexa, your ex, someone you have divided feelings for, in our couch.' Hesitantly, Clarke nodded again. 'No pain killers, no nothing.' Another nod. 'And, on top of that, you didn't call the police to report, as you are supposed to do when confronted with this kind of wound, am I right?'

Clarke could sense where this was going. 'Mom, I…'

'You are suspended, Clarke.'

'What!?' She couldn't believe it. How could her own mother suspend her, take her away from her work, the only thing that had been keeping her sane over these three months? 'You can't…'

Sternly, Abby interrupted her. 'I can and I'm doing it. This is not some work where you can mess up and then make for it, Clarke. This is something serious, and you are clearly not in the right state of mind. Until you can prove to me that you can go back to work, you will be going to out therapist to work out all of this and don't worry, the ER will be taken care of at all times, you won't be missed too much. Think of this as the vacations that I've been wanting you to take since some time ago.'

Clarke shook her head. The conversation was over for her. Angrily, she stomped up the stairs as she used to do when she was a teenager. They both had put sincere, hard work into rebuilding their relationship while she had been in med school, which in turn had made them closer than ever, and that's why she had decided to move back into her childhood house right after finishing her studies. They had been catching up on all those years, but that didn't mean they didn't have any disagreements. However, this was really close to the line for Clarke. Abby insisted on suggesting she found help for some abandonment and trust issues that she was convinced she had, especially after Finn, and she didn't know how to tell her that it was okay. She was okay. Only that she wasn't, and she was finally starting to see it.

Throwing herself into her bed, she mentally thanked her mom for giving her one more reason to hate Lexa. She was too tired at the moment to really care, anyway.

 **3 MONTHS AGO.**

'Why do you have to leave?'

Lexa shook her head, looking away. If she kept staring into those blue eyes, she would never be able to leave. And she had to. Because she couldn't risk someone so pure, so innocent, to get dragged into the mess that she herself was. If only Nia wasn't still involved in her life, if only they had met each other at another time…

'I have to.' She really did have to, even though it pained her to no ends. She wished to say that she would be back, she wanted to ask her to wait for her. But that wouldn't be fair. She couldn't promise something that she couldn't know for sure.

Clarke shook her head. This wasn't fair. She was ready. She was ready to love and to be loved, to love Lexa and to let her love her back, and this was unexpected to say the least. 'But Lexa, I… I l-'.

'No!' Now Lexa really was afraid. Afraid of not being able to separate herself from the blonde, afraid of messing up again. 'Don't say it, I know how you feel, and just know that I feel the same. But I can't stay, it's not safe for you.'

'Safe? What do you mean _safe_ , Lexa?' Now Clarke was afraid. She had been when that Nia woman had contacted her talking about how Lexa would hurt her, but this was something she had never imagined.

'Clarke, I can't answer that. I simply need to leave, this is something that I can't control, something bigger than us.' She turned around before a lonely tear started falling down her right cheek. 'May we meet again, Clarke.'

 **PRESENT TIME.**

'Miss Woods.'

Lexa had woken up a long time ago, more than an hour, but the pain wouldn't allow her to move. Also, she didn't want to wander around the Griffin's house as if she had been invited in. Because she hadn't been invited. She had shown up in the middle of the night, as if everything were still alright between them, and put all of her faith in Clarke. If the blonde hadn't let her in, if she had hated her enough not to help her, she would've probably end up passing out and maybe dying on her porch. She was fully aware of it.

'I believe I have told you to stay away from my daughter, Miss Woods.'

If there was something that Abby was to Lexa, it was scary. She wasn't easily scared, it usually worked the other way around, but Clarke's mother… Clarke had told her all about their relationship, and she had pretty much imagined the rest, but there was something about the woman when it came to her daughter that seemed so feral, so ready to tear her up, that it made her quite nervous. 'I remember, Mrs. Griffin.'

Sighing, the older woman put her coffee cup down. This was messy, and she deeply feared that Clarke would end up hurting even more because of it. 'The why are you still here?'

'Where else would I've gone?' Lexa's voice shook with the pain of both her wound and her heart. 'I thought you would be here, I wasn't expecting her to open the door! I already told you I wouldn't put her in danger, and that is what I've been doing, even though it broke my heart to do so, but I don't know what else I'm supposed to be doing.'

Abby shook her head. She knew this was coming, she knew it the moment she had seen the girl one month ago, when she had made her explain herself and she had broken down in front of her, mumbling something about foster parents and drugs and stealing from them? Lexa had cried, a lot, and she had barely known what to do. She had spent weeks hearing her own daughter cry herself to sleep, as if Lexa had irreparably broken her heart. But, if that was the case, how could Lexa be just as heartbroken?

Kneeling down besides the younger woman, Abby brushed a few hairs that were sticking to Lexa's forehead. 'We'll figure something out, now go back to sleep.'

The sun came up and, with it, all of the feelings from the previous night. Clarke rubbed her eyes, knowing it would be a long day, especially without having work to distract herself from everything… Everything meaning _Lexa._

Before even daring to go downstairs, she knocked on Raven's room. If she were to be asked, she would say she wasn't ready to face the woman who had broken her heart, but she didn't even wanna think about feelings. Not at all. Not even waiting for her friends to answer, she opened the door, her eyes widening in shock when she found them all intertwined, their naked legs mixing together making them only differentiable thanks to their different skins. She knew Raven was a secret cuddler, they had shared a bed one too many times, but this level of intimacy was quite excessive for their friends.

Mischievously grinning, she took a few steps back and readied herself to jump on top of them. 'Don't you fucking dare,' said a grumpy Octavia. Ignoring the warning, she jumped anyway, being careful not to land too heavily on top of them, just in case. 'I warned you!' Before she could even react, Octavia had her pinned down and was tickling her sides, while Raven looked at them in confusion, clearly still half asleep.

'Stop… Stop!' Clarke cried. Putting her hands up in surrender, she pouted at Octavia, who let her go with a final glare.

'How old are you? 12?' Asked Raven. She always wondered the same, even when she usually was the worst. Maybe it was because she very rarely got to see Octavia being playful and carefree, she knew it was a plot to get Clarke to maybe cheer up a little bit, and she also knew it wouldn't work long enough, so as soon as the blonde stepped downstairs and saw Lexa everything would go downhill.

Still giggling, Clarke went back to her bedroom and took some clean clothes. She was delaying it, she knew, but she also could use a shower after all the drama. She peeled her clothes off, somehow having in mind how much she had one imagined Lexa herself doing it, slowly taking her clothes off while they cherished every single inch of each other's body. She had imagined them both making passionate love and having wild, unrestrained sex, which made it even harder to look at the other woman's face knowing that it would never happen, that she would never be able to forgive and forget. She turned the water on, as scalding hot as she could stand, wishing to wash the feelings away. But that wasn't possible and she ended up falling on her knees, tears pouring down her face.

It took her quite long to be able to pull herself out of the shower but, when she did, it was with a new found resolution: she would help Lexa until she got better, because she was a good doctor and a good person, and, after it, they would never see each other again. There was nothing she could do about the redness in her eyes, she shouldn't have cried that much, but she was certain she could make her heart stop hurting, and she would stop on nothing to achieve the peace that she needed. She wanted to forget Lexa, and she was sure she could do it.

Smelling the bacon, she made her way downstairs, to find Octavia cooking. 'Hey,' she greeted lowly. She didn't know whether Lexa was awake, and she didn't want to wake her if she weren't.

Octavia, clearly caring much less about the wounded woman still resting on the sofa, turned around with a big smile and put a plate full of food down in front of Clarke with a loud bang. 'Good morning again, Clarkie! Raven had to leave, something about a probably super old car begging to be fixed or whatever, you know how she is, but she told me to take care of you until she's back in about… forever?'

Clarke laughed, stuffing her face with food. She did know Raven, and she knew it would take her a very long time to be back. On one hand, she was a little offended that her friends were obviously babysitting her, there was no denying it, but on the other she was sincerely glad that they didn't want to leave her alone with Lexa.

Humming while eating her own plate of bacon and eggs, Octavia looked at Clarke. The blonde looked like she hadn't gotten out of the house to do something other than working in way too long, like three months long, and she was adamant on changing that. 'Do you maybe wanna go for a run?' Seeing the weird face her friend was looking at her with, she sighed. 'A walk?' Smiling, Clarke nodded. 'It's settled, then. We're leaving in 30, I need to get changed and you need to take a look at she who must not be named.'

Quietly laughing to herself, Clarke chose not to answer to her friend's dorkiness. They had known each other since Octavia was 16 and she was almost 18, so there was no way she could call her out for making that Harry Potter reference without being scorned herself. Also, it wasn't like the name didn't fit Lexa. Maybe if she could stop mentally repeating her name, she could get over her sooner.

As soon as she saw her sleeping face, she realised everything that she hadn't put that much thought into all those ideas she had gotten in the shower about forgetting about her. It was then, seeing her face slightly scrunched up, which immediately told her she probably was in pain, that she remember why she had fallen so hard and fast. She saw a painkiller and a glass of water resting on the table and, knowing it had been Abby who had left it there, smiled while taking it, knowing it had been long enough for the brunette to take it. She looked at Lexa's slightly open, pouty lips. She remembered how they had felt against hers, cautiously moving while a delicate hand caressed the back of her neck, playing with her hair, slowly sliding down until it reached her own hand. She remembered how, afterwards, she had licked her lower lip, trying to capture the lingering feeling. She remembered…

A knock on the door startled her. She had to confess she was slightly afraid of answering it, since the last time she had done it she had found a bleeding woman on the other side. She could feel Lexa starting to wake up, and whoever it was knocked on the door again, this time more insistently.

Octavia came running down the stairs, looking at Clarke's worried face before going to the door. She was a cop, and a badass one who knew how to fight, so there was no way in hell that she would let the blonde open the door again when they didn't know who had shot Lexa and if they had followed her to the house. Thinking about it, they knew nothing, and this seemed like a dangerous situation. Making a mental note to wake the woman and force her to answer her questions, she opened the door. Unsurprisingly, she found herself face to face with a big, muscly, very handsome man.

'Hello, I'm looking for Lexa Woods?'

Without saying a word, she threw her fist onto the face in front of her, immediately after grabbing his arm and quickly dragging him inside before closing the door and throwing him against it. 'Who are you and how did you know she is here?'

'I'm Lincoln, her…'

'Brother,' finished Lexa for him.


	3. The mile long note

There are some things that can't be fought. Passion is one of them.

It had been two weeks since she'd last seen Lexa. It had been two weeks since she's last heard of her, two weeks since the last time that she had stared into dark green and wondered why it had to be so hard for them.

After Lincoln had appeared out of nowhere, Lexa had left with him. She could barely walk, it pained Clarke to see the brunette so weak, it had been a first, but she should've expected it. She knew then that the only version of Lexa that she knew was the strong, independent woman who never showed a sign of weakness. But that was just a façade. Lexa was human, after all.

Lincoln was nice. He was a huge man, quite intimidating, that was true. But he also was soft, caring, slightly bowing his head down to Lexa but still managing to put his foot down enough for her to follow him. 'Back home,' he had said. Wherever that was.

He had taken her. Clarke knew that it was for the best, he apparently was a doctor himself, and he was her brother. Who better to take care of her? _Me_. Clarke couldn't stop thinking that maybe if they had talked, maybe if she had made the effort… Maybe now she wouldn't be alone, sitting on her bedroom's floor, tequila bottle in hand. She also hadn't stopped drinking since Lexa left her house.

Maybe that was why she couldn't stop thinking about her. Lexa. Her again. Green, green, green. That last time she had stared into her green eyes, she felt as if she's been looking into a deep green forest. The kind of forest where the trees are so tall, it seems like the sun light never reaches the floor. But it must do, since everything is green, full of life but deadly still at the same time.

She wouldn't speak to anyone. She would only leave her room when she knew there was no one around. She barely ate. She barely slept. This time, no one but her was allowed into her bedroom. Her mother would knock on her door every morning and every night, begging for her to open the door, to talk to her, to accept the help that she so desperately needed. And she wouldn't answer. Octavia had done the same, she had begged, but only after yelling at her. She was worried, Clarke knew it, she even understood it, but she couldn't do anything about it. She needed to be left alone, she needed to make this about herself and be selfish for the first time in her whole life. Not like she had a work she could be doing instead, since her mother would not let her come back to the hospital while she kept drinking. Which she understood, though she was still a little mad about it. She wouldn't feel safe if she knew that a doctor was doing surgery while being drunk.

Raven was different. Somehow, their shared Finn experience had linked their souls in a way that nothing else could've. They were the same. Opposite, but the same. She hadn't tried knocking on her door, even though her bedroom was right in front of her, only three steps separating their doors. She knew her, she understood Clarke, how she worked, how she functioned. She _knew_ her. And for that, Clarke couldn't be happier to have her as one of her best friends. Until _the_ night.

Clarke was on the floor, as always, leaning against her door. She was there because she was waiting for her mother to go to bed, so she could fetch something to eat. She was hungry. And that is when she heard it. It was weird, Raven liked to go to bed early, so she wasn't expecting her to go out. Especially now that she was so hungry. The big surprise was when she heard sitting down on the other side of her door. She wondered if this had happened before, if she hadn't even noticed because of her numb state. And it was then that she really heard her. A soft cry falling from her lips, going through the door. Raven never cried. She had only see Raven cry once.

Clarke was afraid. She was scared, terrified. _Raven never cries_.

Still feeling slightly tipsy, she scrambled to her feet, reaching for the doorknob. This wasn't about her anymore, not when Raven was crying, so close yet so far away. Opening the door, she immediately fell to her knees, embracing her friend. 'Raven?'

She wasn't expecting an answer, she really wasn't, but she still pretended not to be surprised when she got one. 'Clarke. You're here!' Somehow, the surprised tone offended her. Why wouldn't she be there? Well, of course. She hadn't been, lately. And now Raven wouldn't stop crying. However, they still knew each other so well that Clarke didn't even need to ask what was wrong for Raven to tell her. 'She called me, Clarke.'

Frowning, Clarke whispered, 'who called you?'

Raven had to take a deep breath before being able to answer, Clarke could feel it through their hug. 'Finn's mom.'

'What…' Clarke didn't really know what to say. Her heart clenched at the mention of the boy's name, still after all the years, and probably would always do. 'What did she want?'

'Nothing, really. I think she just wanted to talk, and she was kind of like my own mother too, for a while. She misses him.'

Clarke understood. She had missed him too, and so had Raven. They had been able to move on, which took time and effort, but his mother… How could she move on from what had happened?

'But I don't wanna talk about it, not really.' Clarke sighed. She knew this would happen. Raven never needed anyone, she always kept everything all bottled up inside. 'I could listen to you, still?'

Immediately breaking their embrace, she got up and stumbled back into her bedroom. She had forgotten that she was still a little drunk, but she was quickly reminded. Throwing herself on her bed, she said, 'come in, then.'

Carefully looking around, Raven stepped inside the bedroom and closed the door behind herself. She wouldn't want Abby to intrude on them, that was for sure. She wrinkled her nose at the smell of body sweat, old food and alcohol. She wasn't sure she would be able to stay in there for a long time, at least not without opening the window. Which she did. She still didn't want to die from the lack of clean air in Clarke's room.

'She left me a note,' Clarke said from the bed. 'It's on my desk, you can read it.' She forgot to add that she needed someone else to read it, to confirm that it was real.

Raven smiled once she was sure Clarke couldn't see her face. Lexa was a mysterious woman, all broody and dark, but even in the few hours that she had gotten to see her it was obvious that she was in love with Clarke. Maybe she wasn't supposed to like her, she really shouldn't like someone who had so deeply hurt her best friend, but she couldn't help herself. She saw a part of her reflected in the other woman, she felt as if she understood her, as if they could maybe become friends and understand each other, but that wasn't something she should be considering when Clarke was still drunkenly wandering around.

With shaky hands, she took the note. Her handwriting was beautiful, elegant, nothing surprising. It was short, direct but not entirely so. For what she knew of the woman, she could tell it was pure Lexa, the one that Clarke loved so much.

 _Clarke. I will hopefully be back home when you read this. You shouldn't worry about me, Lincoln is a very decent doctor and he will take good care of me. Maybe one day you'll get to know him, which could be soon since he got your friend Octavia's number. I think they like each other. It's harder to tell from here, I can barely breathe, but he's my brother and I know him well enough. Of course, you didn't even know I had a brother. There are so many things that you don't know about me, that we don't know about each other… One thing I can assure you, is that I want nothing but to get to know everything about you, I desire nothing but to allow myself to get lost into your clouded blue eyes and imagine that your sky and my earth can somehow meet each other in the middle. It saddens me that I may have already lost the train. I won't lie, the thing about Nia… It's complicated, it really is. I want to explain it to you, I want to explain everything to you, but it has to be in person. I need to see your face, because I am afraid that you wouldn't be able to see past it, to see me behind all of this mess that I thought I had already left in the past. And honestly, seeing your face would reassure me, it would let me know what you think of me, which I do need to know in order to keep going. I apologise for my intensity. What I can't apologise for, is this thing that I have inside of me. This thing that is burning me from the inside, that makes my heart race and stop, that makes me do crazy things and lose my mind and dream of a better, nicer future. This thing that I feel whenever you are around. I won't pressure you, I won't force you to talk to me, to listen. I'm giving you the chance to decide, so please think about yourself above anything else. I will be waiting, unless you tell me otherwise. I will wait for you. And I apologise, for not giving you the explanation that you need before, but mostly for hurting you. I am sorry. Still feeling the same, Lexa_.

Turning around, Raven looked at her friend. How could she be so stubborn? 'Clarke, this is beautiful.'

'Is it?' The blonde keeps her eyes closed. She had read the note a thousand times already, and none of them had she dared to call Lexa. Sometimes, she felt like she needed some kind of push to move, either forwards or backwards. Raven was the kind of friend that would give her that push. 'I think I want to hear her out.'

Rolling her eyes, Raven moved to lie down next to her friend. 'Why are you drinking, Clarke?'

The answer should be easy. Actually, she knew it, she knew her reasons. The problem was that this was Raven asking. And she, being Raven's friend, couldn't lie to her. 'It's not like that. You don't have to worry about me, this is temporary. I'll be fine.'

'But I worry about you, that's what friends do.' Raven took her hand and squeezed it. 'I already lived this once, I can't go through this again.'

Clarke knew she wasn't being fair to everyone around her, but it wasn't until she heard Raven's broken voice that she realised how lost they felt she was. 'I'm not her, Raven. I'm not your mom.'

Turning on her side, Clarke waited for Raven to cuddle her before drifting into sleep. Nights are easier when you have someone you love caring for you, whether it be a friend, a lover or both.

After that night, Clarke stopped drinking. She started seeing the psychologist that her mother had assigned her. She decided to try putting her life together. She chose to face her problems. She took the reins of her life.

Only three days later, she called Lexa.

 **TWO WEEKS AND THREE DAYS EARLIER.**

As soon as she arrived home, Lexa threw herself on her couch with a grunt. It seemed like lately she was going from couch to couch, hurting everywhere, blood still staining her clothes.

'Lexa, how could you go to someone you barely know before coming here?' Lincoln was obviously hurt. He was his brother, the one who's always been taking care of her. Not because he had to, but because he wanted to. Because he loved her. That's why it hurt so much when she had texted him Clarke's address and he discovered that she had gone to someone she barely knew.

Sighing, Lexa threw her head back. Hadn't the silent car drive been enough of a punishment? 'Lincoln, I repeat, I didn't know she would be home! I was looking for her mother, not for her!'

'And where the hell do you know Abby from!?' Lincoln raised his voice, which he never did. He had told her to stay away from Nia, to never let that woman back into her life, and that is exactly what she had done. And she had gotten shot because of it.

Suddenly realising how wrong she had done to her brother, Lexa closed her eyes and waited until she knew he was calmer to speak to him. It was in times like this that she had to admit how much she hurt everyone around her. She hurt her brother, she hurt her friends, she hurt everyone. Like she had hurt Costia and like she had hurt Clarke. It was part of her, this hurting people thing. She couldn't avoid it, but she could try to prevent it. Only it wasn't that easy when feelings got involved.

'Nia contacted Clarke. I got fed up, I decided I wouldn't let her win this time, so I started following her. I didn't talk to anyone, and I wasn't seen. I'm certain of that, I was careful, but after three months stalking her I got a little impatient and…'

'You better not say it was her who shoot you, because then I will have to punch your pretty face.' Anya walked into the room with a fierce expression, trying her best not to beat Lexa into oblivion.

'No, she did not, I'm not an idiot,' Lexa grunted. 'I followed her to some remote place in some woods and then people started firing at her and one of the lost bullets got me, but I was careful not to let a drop of blood fall on the scene and I am absolutely certain that no one saw me. They were too busy being killed anyway.'

Lincoln shook his head and proceeded to take Lexa's clothes off. He understood why she was doing everything that she was doing, only by seeing how she tiptoed around Clarke he could tell that she indeed felt something quite strong towards the blond woman, but he could not say it without his sister getting all defensive. For now, he would just focus on cleaning her wound and caring for her. While he did that, Anya would be the one to bite her head off, he was sure of that.

'Are you out of your fucking mind? You are a lawyer, Lexa, you shouldn't be doing this kind of field work, especially when you don't know what the fuck you're doing!' Anya couldn't stop pacing, the fear of losing her best friend still running through her body. She had believed Lexa had settled down after all the years separated from that evil woman, but it apparently wasn't as simple. She wanted to yell at her more, she wanted to make her understand how she felt when she disappeared all night only to show up with a bullet hole. Frustrated, she decided she should leave the house. 'When I come back we're gonna have a talk, Lexa, this is not over.'

Lexa felt the house shake when Anya slammed the door. She loved her friend, she really did, but in times like this she felt like she only liked her for her cheekbones, since her attitude was something that always pushed her limits. Though that was the main reason while they were friends in the first place, because Anya not only protected and mentored her, she also pushed her to be a better person. Especially when she had needed it the most.

Lincoln didn't bother talking to her. He knew she would probably snap at him, so right after finishing with her he quietly retreated to his room, kissing her forehead before leaving.

Lexa would barely sleep that night. Ever since she'd started this pursuit, her worst nightmares had come back to life. The curious thing about nightmares, is that the scariest ones are those that you have lived in real life. That's why she was afraid of closing her eyes, so she resorted to meditating, half sleeping and writing.

It had actually been years since she'd last written anything. It had been years since she had last felt the need to put down into words what she had inside, the desire to transform every drop of water into an ocean, the pull towards the fire that something had ignited in her heart. Something more like someone. Clarke.

It never mattered how much she tried to shove her feelings down, the blonde always kept appearing everywhere. It didn't help that her eyes were so blue. Everything blue made her think of her. The sky more than anything. It is hard not to see the sky when you are living in the ground, it's almost impossible to avoid it. She couldn't find a way. And that is what she wrote about. The warmth of those blue eyes, how they had looked at her as if she were someone special, someone worthy of their attention. Those blue eyes that where everywhere she looked at, and stayed on her memory even after she had closed her own.

She was lost in her daydreaming after that, spending the following two weeks impatiently waiting for her phone to ring. She wondered if she had gone too far, if she shouldn't have left Clarke that long note, if it looked as closer to a love letter than to an actual note. It wasn't intended as that, but she had always found it hard to contain her feelings around the blonde. _Love is weakness_ , she had to remind herself every time she felt the fire inside of her come back to life. And her weakness was Clarke.

When her phone finally rang, she almost couldn't believe it. Both surprised and hopeful, she answered, 'Woods.'

'When do you wanna meet?'


	4. The wildest dreams

People come and go. Most of them you don't even remember in a few years. In a few months, in a few days. It's hard to tell who is who. Who matters, who doesn't. Who cares and who doesn't give a damn. There are people you consider family, friends, confidents, lovers, that later on disappoint you. And there are people who are there to stay.

At first, Clarke didn't want to take any risks with Lexa. She wanted to trust her, but at the same time she didn't want to. She tried to be careful, but careful went out the window as soon as her heart started speeding up. She wasn't ready when Lexa kissed her the first time, still afraid of what it meant and what it didn't mean. She was ready when Lexa had ran away, she had planned to tell her so, but just because you are ready it doesn't mean the rest of the world is. And now, now she wasn't ready. She wasn't ready to forgive her, much less to forget about it. She wasn't even really ready to listen to what she had to say.

But she was ready to be ready. To move forward.

She also was ready to stop thinking, dreaming, longing. She wanted, needed, to stop it. She needed to see something other than _green_.

Green. Everything was green. Again. She was drowning on a sea of green, but at the same time it felt as if she were in some kind of deep forest, surrounded by tall, infinite trees. It was a mystery, really, why there was so much _green_ around her. But it also wasn't, because Lexa's eyes were green and, even if her mind didn't want to admit it, her heart knew… Her heart knew that it was painted green.

Maybe that was the real reason why she had called Lexa.

They agreed to meet on the coffee shop where they had their first encounter. Where they had looked into each other's eyes and felt _the_ pull for the first time. Where they had started irreparably falling.

The thrill, the exhilaration of taking up on a new adventure. The feeling of your heart going lower and lower down your body while your stomach clenches in expectation. When someone is the cause of that feeling, the only reason while your breathing accelerates as if afraid of not getting enough oxygen to your brain, you feel like you've already felt everything that there is to feel in this world.

The kind of feeling that shakes you, that is not always sweet but's never been not worth it, that makes you feel alive. _Love_. The kind of feeling that Disney deemed as 'true love'. The kind of feeling that soothes your pain.

That is what Lexa feels while looking at Clarke.

She'd never dreamt of an easy story for herself, never truly believed it could be possible, but she still wished with all of her heart that she could give it to Clarke. If not an easy story, at least a less difficult one. A story that made everything they did and would go through worth it. But Lexa knew her wishes never came true, they'd never had. When she was little she liked to pretend her fairy godmother had been on vacations, and would one day come back. Later she'd never believed in anything, really, tired of always hoping for something more that she would never get. Until she met Clarke, that is.

'Nia was one of my foster mothers. The second to last, actually. I was thirteen when I got to her house, and couldn't leave until I was almost eighteen. She seemed normal at first, one of the best houses that I got put into, but…' Lexa paused, looking into Clarke's eyes, desperately searching there for the courage that she couldn't find in her own self. She saw nothing but curiosity, remembering full well that she had never told her much about her past. Curiosity laced with emotion. Much emotion, but thankfully not pity. All of the feelings that Clarke had for her, right now the most prominent one being admiration. She knew she had to continue before getting too cold feet, so she simply hoped the blonde wouldn't think any less of her because of what she was about to hear. 'But she was a monster. Ruthless in her punishments, her utter lack of feelings always amazing me. Lincoln had been there for a few months before I arrived, and he tried to scare me away at first, but the house was big and clean and there was food and it wouldn't be the first time that I had to deal with over-strict people. And then the work began.'

Clarke's eyes widened, trying her best not to interrupt Lexa. She had ached to know for what seemed like forever, so now she couldn't spoil it because of her impatience. So she waited quietly for the brunette to take a big gulp of her coffee, blue eyes trying to comfort forest green ones.

'At first it was only a few things, like getting something to someone or somewhere. If I said no, she would change my mind with a carefully executed punishment. Later, the real deal began. I peeked inside one box she'd told me to move, and realised it was… it was drugs.'

Clarke gasped. She couldn't stop herself, and Lexa glared at the interruption until the blonde nodded for her to continue, making her also soften her features in the process.

'I got really scared, knowing that no one would believe a foster kid saying it wasn't theirs, but I was way more afraid of what Nia could actually do to me, so I never complained. Lincoln and I were getting closer and closer, starting to feel like real siblings, bonding over the delinquency of it all. But I met Costia.' Lexa tried to hide her pained smile, but immediately knowing it looked more like a grimace, she kept going. She had to, if she ever wanted Clarke to forgive her and maybe, just maybe, offer her a clean slot to start anew. 'When I first saw her, in class, I was left speechless. Her skin the most perfect I'd ever seen, her black hair one I wished I could run my hands through while staring deeply into her dark eyes. I had met Anya that same year, when I was fourteen and she was sixteen. She wouldn't stop teasing me about Costia, and one day I finally managed to ask her if she would like to meet at the library after classes,' Lexa chuckled. 'Yeah, I was lame like that, Anya still teases me about it. However, Costia thought it was cute. That I was cute. And a few days later she kissed me. She was my first everything. My first real kiss, my first girlfriend, my first… My first love.'

Clarke reached out, unable to keep still any longer, and awkwardly stroked her hand over Lexa's knee. She didn't really know what to do, still angry but having all of this conflicting feelings. She didn't have to do anything else, really, because Lexa soon let an expressionless mask fall over her face, her walls building up as they always did whenever she felt this vulnerable.

'I knew it was dangerous, that Nia couldn't know. Lincoln helped me hide it, but after two years I became relaxed and she just knew. I sometimes wonder if she had known all along or if she simply was that blind to feelings that she truly didn't realise. She didn't tell me, though. But she started threatening Costia. I guess she was afraid I had told her something I shouldn't have. Short, anonymous messages, mysterious cards hidden between flowers sent to her house. I knew I had to end it, for her own safety. I had never lacked down on my working, going as far as to beating people until they were almost dead just because she'd ordered me to, saying that Lincoln was too weak to do that kind of work. He's always been a softie. So, when she gave me this place and time, no name, and a gun, I didn't ask anything. It was the first time that she'd wanted me to kill someone, and to me it kind of felt like she was giving me this big opportunity because she was proud of my work and wanted to show me in her own sick way. But those weren't her reasons at all.'

Clarke's eyes where tearing up, but she forced herself not to cry. She was here to listen to Lexa, and that is what she intended to do, even if it broke her heart to do so.

'I had it all planned out in my mind. Get to the target, shot them in the head and never look at their face. It didn't happen like that, and I found myself face to face with Costia's father.'

 **8 YEARS BEFORE.**

'Lexa?' Asked the man, confused about seeing his daughter's girlfriend, the one that had come over for dinner and stayed at their house (door open, of course) so many times in such a random place.

Deeply troubled, tears streaming down her face, a teenager Lexa put up her right hand, gun resting heavy on it, and shakingly pointed it at the man she'd so often wished were her father.

Shocked, he carefully lifted his open palms in front of him, making it clear that he wouldn't harm her. 'Lexa, what is going on?' Of course, he had some idea, him being an attorney and his daughter having asked him to get Nia down after quickly filling him on what was going on, not leaving anything unsaid.

'You must go,' she replied hastily. 'Take your wife and Costia and go as far away as you can, and I will take care of Nia once and for all, but you need to go, because tonight it's me, but tomorrow…' Her voice shook, frightened of what could have happened. 'Tomorrow, it will be someone who's not afraid of pulling the trigger, and she will surely send them after Costia, not after you.' She looked down, apologetic. 'It's all my fault, I'm sorry.'

'Lexa, it's not-,' started him, but was interrupted by his own phone ringing. 'Hello?' He answered it, not fearing Lexa would ever hurt him in the slightest. 'What-what do you mean an accident? Is she okay?' Lexa started to walk towards him, alarmed. 'Okay, fine, I'm on my way.' He hung up, face suddenly pale. 'I must go, Costia's been in a car accident. She's stable now, I will contact you when it's safe to come visit her, don't worry. This is not your fault.'

Before leaving, he leaned down to kiss her forehead.

 **PRESENT TIME.**

'I never went to visit her. I knew it was my fault. Anya kept me informed, though. She couldn't walk for a while, but after some physical rehabilitation she was fine. Except for some ugly scars… I actually didn't see her again until I contacted her father three months ago, right after… Right after I left you.'

'Oh, Lexa…' Clarke allowed herself now to cry freely. She couldn't imagine herself in that situation, having lived such an accommodated life.

It was weird, really, to be telling someone this secret that she had tried so hard to forget. It's not really possible, to forget something that is such a big part of yourself, of who you are, of your life. For Lexa, this was part of what made her who she is, but it doesn't mean that she had to like turning the lights off at night and going back to those days.

'Clarke, there's… There is more,' Lexa sighed. She didn't want to go there, really. She didn't want to open the door so wide, because she was sure that this would change everything. She waited for Clarke to look at her, so she would truly be heard. 'After they left, after Costia left… Things got uglier.' She looked down at her lap, trying not to be ashamed of who she used to be. 'I started stealing from Nia.'

Clarke was confused. 'Stealing money? To get away from her?'

'No, not money. Drugs.' This would be it. 'I started doing drugs.' She heard Clarke's gasp, but chose to ignore it. 'It was like two months, I think, I don't really remember, the days were mixing all together and it wasn't clear to me where one ended and the next one started, it was only until Lincoln noticed, but those months were… I would wake up without remembering the previous night, naked, in a stranger's bed, or in a stranger's couch, or in a stranger's car, or… Once, I woke up in a pool table, in a bar. I assume it was some bartender, I never got the memory back, but it was after that night that Lincoln found out. He actually heard about it from some friends or something, I woke up next to a man more than once so maybe someone taunted him, he's my brother after all. He didn't talk to me for almost three weeks, and when he did it was to tell me that it was over, that he had been saving some money and he would use it to get me away. It took him eight long moths to save enough for the both of us, but at the end he used everything that he had to… To save me.' Green eyes were dark with sadness and remorse and self-disappointment. 'Thanks to him, we ran away from Nia.'

Then Lexa fell silent. And Clarke was silent too. And none of them said anything, because they didn't know what to say.

Clarke wanted to go back in time. She wanted to erase Lexa from her life, she wanted to forget about all of the drama that she had brought her and keep going being content with herself. But she also wanted to forgive Lexa for leaving, to hug her and never let go, to kiss her and tell her how she truly felt about her and to finally be happy, and not simply content.

Lexa wished she could delete her words from Clarke's brain. She could imagine the wheels turning, the blonde trying to process what she had told her. What she had done and who she had been. Lexa wished there had been an easier way to let her know, maybe if Nia hadn't made an appearance and they had kept going out and maybe even started dating and then one day she would sit down with Clarke and stare into blue eyes and tell her everything. But this wasn't fair, this wasn't how it should've gone. She hadn't been ready yet, neither of them had.

Lexa's heart clenched, desperately searching for blue eyes and fearing that she would never find them. Clarke's head hurt from holding in the tears, and she needed some air and space and time, a lot of time.

Nervously grabbing her things, Clarke tripped over her own words to say 'I need to go.'

Lexa felt her heart break, but didn't say anything. When you care about someone as deeply as she cared about Clarke and the only thing you are offering them is pain, you have to let them go. At least that is what she told herself to keep from begging her to stay, to forgive her, to give her another opportunity. Honestly, she only wanted Clarke to be happy, and she wished with all of her heart that she could be the source of that happiness. But maybe she couldn't.

Nearing the door, Clarke took a deep breath, turned around and walked back. She bended down, took Lexa's face between her hands and said, 'I may not be ready to forgive you, Lexa, but nothing is over between us.' She smiled, somehow feeling sad and happy at the same time. 'Hell, I don't think I could ever actually walk away from you, so… I just need to think, 'kay? You needn't worry, because I will be back.' Kissing Lexa's forehead, she whispered, 'I fear I'll always be.'

Furiously blushing, Clarke turned around and walked out of the coffee shop. She wasn't sure what she had been expecting when she agreed to meeting with Lexa, but it sure wasn't what she had gotten. Still, she had felt the weight of the whole world fall off her shoulders just by knowing it wasn't her fault. She wasn't what had made Lexa run away.

After leaving, she would go to the hospital, talk to her mom and go back to her work. She had had enough time to mourn and focus on herself, but now it was time to go back to what really fulfilled her, to what made her feel sane. Saving lives.

Meanwhile, Lexa waited in her seat until Clarke disappeared from her sight, small smile pulling at her lips. Maybe been sincere hadn't been the worst idea, and maybe one day Clarke would tell her that she felt the same way as she did.

Blue. Everything was blue to her. Sky blue, ocean blue, it didn't matter. What mattered was that she was drowning in blue, and she couldn't be happier about it. Because Clarke was blue, just like she was green.


End file.
